Thursday, September 8, 2016

Copy the memories

I mean to come here more. Write down more memories. Document my feelings so I can remember them tomorrow.

My son is 7 now... and I'm not quite sure how that happened. I mean... 7? really?
He's smart, he's handsome, he's clever and witty and he's absolutely amazing in every way. My life, my thoughts, my motivation all center him. Every day I try to mold him, help him make good decisions and teach him good ethics.

Not long ago he said to me "Dad... you want to know how I know Grandpa isn't gone?"
I replied with "how?" ... "Because he's always in my thoughts and memory, if I don't forget him then he's not gone"
I said to him "that's so awesome, Rivers, who taught you that?"
he said "You did, dad." :)

Being a Dad is not always easy, it doesn't always make sense, but trying my best to be the best at it is the most rewarding thing I've experienced.

I try to soak in every memory I can, appreciate the little things and never take my time with him for granted.

Two nights ago laying in bed we were arm wrestling, he was using all his weight and might to move my arm but couldn't at all. He said "I stand no chance!" as he was laughing and trying different angles to gain an advantage. I told him "Soon enough...", and its these moments I never want to forget and I hope he never forgets either. Stamps of memories, small but meaningful. It's these moments he looks up to me and I feel how important I am to him, I never want to lose that and I never want to abuse that. Because someday he will realize how much I look up to him and how important he is to me.


Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Cheese & Life... but it helps.

"There was a study done, a hospital study
On 100 elderly people, facing death, close to their last breath
They were asked to reflect about their life biggest regret
Nearly all of them said they didn’t regret on the things they did
But the things… they didn’t do...
The risks they never took
The dreams they didn’t peruse
I ask you, would your last words be
“if only I had… “

 Hey you! Wake up
Why do you exist?
Life is not meant to simply work
Wait for the weekend, and pay rent.
No.. no…
I don’t know much, but i know this
Every person on this earth has a gift.
See, people don’t choose dreams, dreams choose them
So the question I’m getting too
Is Do you have the courage to grab the dream that picks you
That befits you, that grips you
Or will you let it get way and slip through
I learned a fact about airplanes the other day
This was so surprising you see
I was talking to a pilot
Many of his passengers believe airplanes are dangerous to fly in
But he said, actually, it is a lot more dangerous for a plane
To stay on the ground
He said because on the ground, the plane starts to rust, malfunction and wear
Much faster as if it ever would if it was in the air
Because planes are built to live in the skies
And every person was built to live out the dream
They have inside
So it is perhaps the saddest lose
Living a life on the ground
Without ever taking off
Most of us are afraid of the thief
That comes in the night
To steal all of our things
But there is a thief in your mind
That is after your dreams
His name is doubt
If you see him, call the cops
Keep him away from the kids
He is wanted for murder
For killing more dreams
Than failure ever did
He wears many disguises
And like a virus will leave you
Blinded, divided, and turn you into a … “Kinda”
See “Kinda” is lethal, there is a lot of “kinda” people
You kinda want a career change
You kinda want to get straight A's
You kinda want to get in shape
Simple math, no numbers to crush
If you kinda want something
You will kinda get the results you want
What is your dream?
What ignites that spark?
You can’t kinda want that
You got to want it with every part
Of your whole heart
Will you struggle?
Yeah, yeah you will struggle, no way around it
You will fall many times, but who’s’ counting?
Just remember
There’s no such thing as a smooth mountain
If you want to make it to the top
Then there is sharp ridges you need to step over
There will be times you will be stressed
And things you get depressed over
Pain is life.
But you can choose which type.
Either the pain on the road to success
Or the pain of being haunted with regret
You want my advice?
Don’t think twice
We have a gift called life…
So don’t blow it
You are not defined by your past
So own it, now.
Sometimes you got to leap
And grow your wings on the way down
You better get the shot off
Before the clock runs out
There is no over time in life
No do over
It sounds like I’m preaching, speaking with force
But if you don’t use your gift
You sell, not only your self
But the whole world short
What invention do you have in your mind
What idea, what cure, what skill
Do you have inside to bring out
To  this Uni-verse
Uni meaning one
Verse meaning song
You have a part to play in this song
So grab that microphone and be brave
Sing your life out on that stage
You cannot go back
And make a brand new beginning
But you can start now
And make a brand new ending."

Tuesday, February 16, 2016


The biggest reason for writing here lately is just to look back, re-read my feelings and thoughts, and remember I'm learning and growing. I feel good today, i felt powerful and confident, and I felt nothing should stop me.

It's an odd time in my life, some days are crazy high and wonderful while others are like rock bottom. I don't like the roller coaster, I don't like my reactions when I'm rock bottom, but at least on those down days I know they won't last and I know the next day the feeling will most likely be gone. The bad part is it keeps coming back, but I feel I'm getting a really good handle on it and am excited for the future.

I want to remember this, I want to remember when times are bad that they will get better and that's what helps me sleep at night.

Nathan vs. the Lion Tamer. Right? ... Right!

Monday, February 15, 2016

Reach past

I think those moments when I realize I just need to relax, take few steps back, and enjoy life a little slower are the ones I need more of. Stop being such a sappy fool and just have fun with things, who knows where anything will end up, you can never force it, so just sit down and enjoy the ride.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Hello from the other side

Such a mix of feeling lately. I am only writing here so maybe I can look back on this again and remind my self.

Its good to be reminded where paths you were forced to take in the past lead you to today. Maybe. Maybe its good to know you made the best of it. If that's possible, right? A decision to make the best of the time given to you. What part of that is really a decision?

How many times can I reach out, step out, do my best and only get returned this. this. this. what is this. The fact that the most important thing to me in my whole life is the only thing that keeps me strong and keeps me, me.  Is also the thing that destroys me the most, there will be days he's not with me and those days I don't know what i'm going to do. I have no idea how i'm going to get through each day that way waiting until the next day he comes back to me. Sigh.

Hopefully if a day comes you read this by your self, alone at night, or during school or work, when ever you find it. Never forget, never there will be day I'm not here for you. There is a reason I tell you that you are my best buddy every night.

This scrambled writing maybe will help me someday.

Kisses my lion, kisses me loves.


Wednesday, November 4, 2015

What is this pattern

I don't recall where but I once read a description of time and how its molded. This explanation presented time as fabric and each string, each color, each intertwine was decisions in  your life. Ultimately ending up with a large piece of fabric with a pattern; a beautiful one, a messy one, a remember-able one. But the point being your piece of fabric, in the end, is all up to you.  But every decision affects the next and constantly shapes and changes the fabric as it grows.

The reason I was thinking about this is I always tell my self I should come here and write but of course I never do. I re-read old posts and enjoy the memory refresh, but I still never come write. Why? I can't answer that because I don't know.

But as I logged in today to write I was motivated by something sad and depressing, then I noticed my last few posts have also been about something sad. Why have I only visited this place to keep memories with past sad times. What is this a pattern about ? What if this is all I had to leave behind once I'm gone, why will there only be sad posts? How can I change my own fabric moving forward? How can I make the right decisions to bring happy, bright and vibrant colors to my blanket. And where can I find the motivation to write them down so I can remember them later.

Anyway... I hope to see this place more often.

Preferably on a brighter day. :)

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

To Jon...

... A talk I gave at a dear friends funeral... 

To Jon…                                                                                                                                                               1/31/2015

When Deb moved into Jon’s house she brought a pink flamingo or two with her, Jons acceptance of those was starting a Garden Gnome collection to compete.
So last night I walked around Debs house and started to count the Gnomes to Flamingo ratio.  I think I counted 20ish Gnomes to the 6 pink flamingos. I am pretty sure Jon won that competition. :)

Having this opportunity means a lot to me, to be able to stand in front of the people who loved this man and dedicate some words to him. It’s clear as day, and deb and his kids should be extremely proud, that Jon positively affected just about every life that came across his.

And I think I  can safely speak for Jons whole family that the out-pour of support, of love, the phone calls, the texts, the kind words, the hugs, the dinners, the flowers the thoughts and prayers have been incredibly appreciated and incredibly helpful to everyone in this time.

When I sat down to write a few words about this dear man, my first thoughts were is this going to be hard? Can i maintain composure? Can I do it without crying?
What in the world can I write to honor such a man that has impacting me and my families lives so much. A man that meant so much to so many.
And to be honest… It wasn't that hard at all.  Jon made it easy to say good things about him, he made it easy to love and he made it an honor to know him. He deserves every word of honor, kindness and love that could come out of my mouth. He was such a warm soul, if you needed help it wasn't a question of ‘why’ it was a question of how soon could he lend you his help.

We had a lot of family get together s at Jon and Deb’s house, be it for birthday dinners, holidays or just summer nights to BBQ garlic burgers and sausage hot dogs then we’d almost always enjoy s’mores over his prized fire pit with chocolate or reeses peanut butter cups. There really was never a dull moment between him, Harley and Shaun cracking jokes, to Karrie, Landon, Rivers and Lexi playing in the yard and always dashing over for a quick s’more. We’d all use the same change to pop a soda out of his old soda machine. We would have parties, Halloween events, pools for the kids on hot summer nights, princess cakes for all the girls birthdays and princess cakes for all the boys birthdays too. Jon would always rave about his man cave and all his redneck glory. Jon was always a core part of these cherished get togethers, It was always sad when he had to work and couldn't make it.  Now we will forever miss him as we gather in the future and  now every gathering we will honor him for bringing together what we all now know as our family. Jon raised three incredible girls and didn't even think twice about taking in 2 sons and another daughter. His arms were as big as he could reach and his heart even bigger.

For his kids:
It was obvious your Dad loved you so much. I could see it in the way he talked, in the way he looked at you that he was so proud. Never forget his teddy bear like hugs, his huge smile and his enormous love for you.  Here’s a little poem I've always enjoyed about losing a dad:

I am who I am because of him
He gave me my courage & my strength
To stand tall even when standing wasn’t easy
Stand for the ones who can’t
To think and fend for myself
I’m my Daddy made over

Taught me to fight back
To never back down
How to pick myself back up
When I’ve been knocked down
Fight for what I believe
I’m my Daddy made over

He gave me my stubbornness
Gave me my pride
Gave me my temper
Taught me not to take crap
To speak my mind no matter who
Work for what I want
I’m my Daddy made over

How to keep my emotions in check
How to handle large amounts of pain
When in trouble he always had my back
He knew how my mind worked better than anyone
I got it from him
I’m my Daddy made over

Even though he’s gone
I’ll stand and continue on
I may stumble I may fall
May even get hurt along the way
But I’ll pick myself back up
I’ll dust myself off and stand tall
I’m honored and proud to say
I’m my Daddy made over

This parts for Deb:
When you used to live with me and Julie I remember how excited you were to go out with Jon, you made Julie do your hair for most the first dates. I remember before you went out one night you said to me and Julie “Even if this doesn't work out, at least its someone to hang out with”. I knew right then and there you liked this man. And Fast forward to today -- Over the past 6 years that Jons’ been in my life, I've had numerous people tell me over the years that Jon has never been happier than when he was with you. Never forget you changed this mans life, you made him smile and you made him happy. The fact he was as happy as he was in the last years of his life is incredibly powerful and you were a major part of that. You were his everything, you shared a bond that we all should be jealous of, a love that could write adventures.

This parts for the grand-kids:
Karrie, Landen, Rivers and Lexi… your grandpa Loved you so much! You were his prized possessions. His face would light up with joy when any of you were in his presence. Never forget all the funny things Grandpa would say and do, all the books he would read you and all the games he would play with you. Grandpa will always be in our hearts, and in our memories, there will always be stories we can all tell each other about funny things Grandpa did and how much Grandpa loved you. He was a perfect Grandpa and as parents we should never let our kids forget him.

and in closing...

When Jon passed I had an incredibly daunting challenge of explaining such a thing to a curious and emotional young mind. I tried  to explain we needed to imagine seeing him happy, smiling big, cracking a few jokes while he sits atop his motorcycle ready for the open road. His bike growling and a morning breeze blowing against his face as he starts down a country road into the sun rise. An object of beauty and us standing watching him till he fades on the horizon and  if someone  says “he is gone.” Gone! Where? Gone from my side -- that is all. He is just as radiant, kind and loving as when I saw him. And just as able to bear his love and generosity to his destination. The diminished size and total loss of sight is in me, not in him, and just at that moment when someone at my side says “He is gone”

There are others who are watching him coming and other voices take up a glad shout “Here he comes!”

I love you all and thank you for giving me this honor.